JJ takes a stalking case personally--is it because she's a girl or is there some other culprit? We learn in this episode that the bicep is the penis equivalent for network television and Ronnie recounts his disastrous viewing of My Date With Drew, a real horror show. Also, Rossi and Hotch are letting the kids handle stalking as they interview a bat…

The boys discuss the final ever until the next one Venom movie, The Last Dance. Yes, Venom dances, so really the title lives up to its promise. What else does Venom 3 have? More symbiotes, more MCU actors in non-MCU roles, a Maroon 5 song, a road trip that doesn't really go anywhere and, of course, SILLY VOICES. Listen as Ronnie and Jazz talk for m…

Not a dream! Not a hallucination! Not an imaginary story! Deliver The Profile's victory lap culminates in revisiting two series from the show's past: Manimal and Night Man. They're back, and they're together, in the Night Man episode "Manimal". No description of the insanity that unfolds will do it justice so why don't you click the play button and…

Ronnie and Jazz spend nearly two hours dissecting the one, the only Road House. The ONLY Road House. When fat and tough were indistinguishable, a bouncer's natural enemy was a John Cassavetes staple, and Sam Elliott was a hard trodden 45 year old. Play us out, Jeff Healey Band!

Here it is, it's finally here: the season finale of Criminal Minds: Evolution Part Deux. Who will live? Who will die? Whose fate will be called into question despite the fact that we know no principal cast member is going to die at this juncture? In "Save The Children", the Gold Stars kidnap Prentiss and it's up to Voit the serial killer to help th…

Ronnie and Jazz discuss the penultimate episode of Season 17, "Stars and Stripes", the new Crow movie (which bombed so badly it's already out of theatres by the time this description is being written), Glover and more. "Stars and Stripes" introduces new villains such as "pedophile mercenary" and "black girl who's shot in the head almost immediately…

Scandalous! In one of the shortest podcasts in years, Ronnie and Jazz dissect "North Star", episode 8 of this bullshit season 17. Rossi and Gideon's ex-wife kiss! Something happens to Damien! We meet Voit's lawyer, and he's played by a Shield alum! You'll find out why this podcast is under an hour because that's about all there is to this episode.…

It's episode 300, something neither of the hosts recognized while recording, so prepare to be disappointed if you're expecting fanfare. What do we have? Well, there's a guy melting dudes in his basement. You know shit is real when the episode begins with a "Viewer discretion is advised" screen. What else happens? Oh yeah, convicted felon Felicity H…

JJ and Prentiss get high in "Message in a Bottle", one of the dumbest hours this show has ever delivered us. Not since "Eyes Wide Shut" has marijuana been portrayed so poorly. But at least there's other plot, such as Tyler running afoul of an ex-girlfriend and David Rossi cleaning a gun.

Jazz is sick (again), explaining the delay in the DTP spigot. Fear not, though, the boys are back and ready to talk about "Conspiracy vs. Theory", the halfway point of Season 17 of Criminal Minds. Psycho Pete returns, Voit joins some sort of Suicide Squad, Politico cares about Paget Brewster beating up Paul F. Tompkins, and Ronnie finds a new favor…

Eyes are still being taken out in "Kingdom of the Blind", episode 4 of the interminable slog that is Criminal Minds: Evolution: Season 2. This time the enucleator draws little tattoos on herself after committing the act, like Mr. Zsasz. Unlike Mr. Zsasz, nobody even approaching Alan Grant or Norm Breyfogle's talent level is working on this shit. Al…

Remember when Voit whispered something to Alvez and it pissed him off something fierce? Well, we find out what it is and it involves porn. Of the BAU. Rossi steamrolling Elle Greenaway while Reid wanks off in the corner. Presumably. There's also a guy who kills people on moving day. As someone who's moved multiple times in their life, being murdere…

They said it couldn't be done. Yes, it's TWO Criminal Minds recaps in one podcast! Ronnie and Jazz burned the midday oil for YOU, the listener, so YOU could be up to date on the comings and goings of the BAU in Season 17: Evolution 2: Electric Boogaloo. Sicarius the serial killer is in custody, Director Richard Schiff (now regenerated into looking …

Send in the clowns! Yes, Virginia, Criminal Minds did a fucking clown episode, and it's spectacular. Or stupid. One of those. A clown is killing men and leaving the kids alone, reversing the Pennywise paradigm popularized in Stephen King's child pornography book. What results is a cautionary tale about the death of the American Dream as it pertains…

Gubler Month continues with "Alchemy", a not very subtle episode that depicts different kinds of grief. One kind kills men in some ill-fated fertility experiment. The other involves dancing inside your own mind.

This week: child abduction! Sparkle Motion from Donnie Darko and Bud Cort take kids from carnivals and do...something to them. Not what you think, though! Also: Ann Cusack overcomes a drinking problem and Morgan acts like a dick. "Mosley Lane", everyone! Directed by the Gube himself.

In "Cradle to Grave", some guy is forcing women to bear his child in a sexual dungeon. Just as important is Hotch training Morgan to take his job now that he's too Reaper-spooked to do it effectively. Season 5, y'all.

In "The Replicator", the Replicator finally stands revealed. Is it disappointing? You better BELIEVE IT.

This week Hotch has to bail his shitbag brother out of trouble as he's involved in some tainted wine scandal. Look, the only reason we're doing "Brothers Hotchner" is it leads directly into the Season 8 finale that botches the Replicator overarching storyline. Get ready for a lot of eye bleeding.

The Replicator "saga" kicks into high gear with "Carbon Copy", a case about a guy killing nurses and removing their eyelids...replicating the very signature of the blood painting guy from last episode. Zugs get zwanged, Scott Grimes shows up and Criminal Minds proves that the wrongly accused are just criminals that haven't committed crimes yet. All…

Leap into Season 8 with "Magnum Opus", an episode about Reid grieving his fake phone girlfriend getting real murdered by Dawn from Buffy the best way he knows how: by solving a serial case that may or may not involve a vampire. All the team knows is somebody in San Francisco is killing people, draining their blood and cutting off their eyelids. Wil…

To Season 7 we go with "Self-Fulfilling Prophecy", which is about a mass suicide at a military academy run by the guy who played Odo on Star Trek. There's some bullying involved, but surprisingly no child molestation, so credit to Criminal Minds. This one is loose so buckle in!

Bustin' makes me feel vaguely depressed! Ronnie and Jazz suffer through the fifth Ghostbusters movie, which has like five jokes in it. Why is there a talking ghost girl, and why are the ramifications of that swept aside in favor of an undercooked lesbian coming of age subplot? Does Bill Murray actively want to die every moment he's on screen? Why d…

Season 14 is over...for now. "Sick and Evil" is about haunted houses, a woman heavily invested in her Maine town's "lore" (don't CALL IT THAT), and Rossi still smarts from getting his ass kicked by the Chameleon. More slop from the CBS trough that your inteprid hosts have to pore through for the sake of comedy. What a world.…

In "Ashley", misbegotten main character Ashley Seaver does NOT return. Instead it's some missing child Season 14 bullshit. Ah, c'est la vie.

Season 14 rolls on with "Twenty Seven", an episode about machete murders in DC that occur every 27 minutes. Is it stupid or is someone trying to make a dumbass point? Both! Meanwhile, Prentiss gets the least charismatic love interest ever. Good thing we cover these out of order so we already know this romance ultimately goes nowhere. MENDOZA!!!!! (…

It's time to stare at the sun, by which we mean return to watching Sony's Spider-Man without Spider-Man movies.

I guess the episode title spoils the twist. Oops. Otherwise it's a pretty typical Criminal Minds episode, which is to say it's not good. And there's a Garcia subplot. Why even live anymore.

Season 14 slog continues on with "Rule 34", which, yes, we get it. It's terrible but we get it. Somebody is sending body parts in the mail to random women and if you guessed a predatory homosexual was behind it, congratulations. Also, one of Simmons' 17 kids gets in trouble at school and who could possibly care. It's another week in the mines for y…

In Season 14's "Starter Home" a young couple finds mummified bodies in their walls. This looks like a job for the BAU! Joe Mantegna and the gang unwrap a tedious tale of teen rebellion, arrested development, undelivered mail and more. Also, Joe Mantegna sees if his ex-wife's daughter's new boyfriend is a serial killer or not. You'll be pleasantly s…

In "Safe Haven", apparently you can drop off anybody under 18 at a hospital in Nebraska and they just have to deal with it. That plus Morgan has to deal with a nine year old who scammed her way across America. Criminal Minds was running on fumes even by Season 6, folks.

"The Longest Night" finishes off Tim Curry and starts off Season 6. Morgan gets angry! JJ becomes a hostage negotiator! More closeups of dirty teeth! It's a scene, man.

The boys are back in 2024, ready to discuss Criminal Minds again. This time it's "Our Darkest Hour", aka the one about Tim Curry driving around in an RV and smoking crack. Will The Prince of Darkness, as he's called, beguile our heroes or will he just kill some nobodies while Leonard Cohen songs play? As always, listen to the pod to find out.…

Happy 2024!

AKA The Christmas Eve Miracle.

Because of a promise made in haste a year ago that somehow came to anything, for the next three episodes Ronnie and Jazz will be reviewing the saddest of all trilogies, the Angels in the Outfield series. This first one has FOUR Oscar winners, not that you could tell by their performances. Listen to the boys rag on child actors, muse over "Ranch Wil…

Dr. Daniel Daughhetee joins the Five Timers Club as he and Ronnie dissect "Hamelin", a Season 14 episode of Criminal Minds that reimagines the Pied Piper into something even dumber. JJ reconnects with her mom, the BAU is basically useless and the episode makes the case that the worst thing that can happen to a kid is to be wrongly teased that his d…

Where is Wallace indeed. He's in "The Inspired", the not very inspired second part of the Season 9 premiere.

Part one of a really, really dumb two parter.

Two-Parter Madness continues (yes it's another theme) with our take on "Memoriam". Is Reid's dad as fascinating as you'd think? No, of course not. Is he a child molester? Find out by listening to Deliver The Profile.

In what may be the podcast's shortest episode yet outside of those weird early installments, this one takes on "The Instincts", part one of a boring two parter that's mainly about Reid's dreams. Child abduction too but mostly Reid's dreams. Speaking of, REED Diamond is in "The Instincts" playing a concerned father. Remember The Shield? Hell, rememb…

To celebrate Ronnie staying sober for seven years, the boys 'treat' themselves to a Season 1 episode, "Machismo".

"Seek and Destroy" is boring as shit, but at least it marks the end of our coverage of Season 12. It's a home invasion one, everybody knows home invasion ones suck.

Mr. Scratch brainwashes a guy to think he's Aisha Tyler's brother. Your guess is as good as ours.

It's here! The podcast of the summer is here...in late August. The boys convene to discuss Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem, the film that dares to use the same word twice in its title. How disgusting is it? Why does Donatello sound like he's 5? How does Seth Rogen get away with whitewashing Bebop? Mutant Mayhem raises a lot of questions…

To discuss America's love affair with drone warfare as depicted in the Criminal Minds episode "Killer App", we once again turn to Thrawnderdome's Daniel Daughhetee.

It's another Deliver The Profile. This time somebody's hot for teacher in "I Love You, Tommy Brown" as Teri Polo seeks to reunite her felony-riddled family. It's more Season 7 garbage.

Another episode of Deliver The Profile. This is the skeeziest episode yet if you can make such a claim.

Rossi grapples with his ex-wife's mortality as the team grapples with a guy drowning and resuscitating his victims in "Epilogue". Also during the show, Ronnie and Jazz briefly review Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and talk about how night fishing is grade A loser behavior.

Ronnie and Jazz confronts bad mothers on "From Childhood's Hour", another Season 7 episode of Criminal Minds. There's really not a lot to this one besides Rossi reconnecting with his first ex-wife. Do we get to see some old people sex? Listen to the episode to find out.