S1E9: Alpacas Can't Jump

Jam Mechanics

It's Episode NINE of Jam Mechanics. We learn about Matt's casual relationship with the 5-second rule and Bug forgets to come up with a prompt (don't worry, his wife bails him out!)

Jam Mechanics is a podcast hosted by Matt (The Narcissist Cookbook) and Bug (Bug Hunter) where we challenge each other to write a song demo from scratch every episode. If you'd like downloadable files for this episode (and the demos we showed off), ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠you can go to our Bandcamp⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ or ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠website⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ to pay-what-you-want to support us! Our Music: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠The Narcissist Cookbook⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

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-- SPOILERS FOR THIS EPISODE BELOW --

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BUG'S SONG

Matt's Challenge: TV Theme song

Title: Kick and Spin

Lyrics:

Do you ever feel like a lil guy? like you have no control but somehow you’re still synchronized cuz life keeps spinnin’, spinnin’ and you keep kickin’, kickin’ mostly due to the metal rod thats going through your torso thats attached to three other dudes It’s Foosball! It don’t matter if you win all we do is kick and spin but mostly kick (but mostly spin) Try to pass to the goalie and you score on yourself try to pass up the field, oh no you scored on yourself then you finally score a goal but it ricochets off and you score on yourself It’s Foosball! It don’t matter if you win all we do is kick and spin but mostly kick (but mostly spin) Oh hey, didn’t see you there you’re probably wondering how I got here strapped to these three other dudes trapped in a perpetual game of soccer against different colored but functionally identical opponents Spinning clockwise into infinity forever… well… A witch trapped my soul in here, I used to be a lawyer, tell my wife I love her It’s foosball! where nobody has a name where it's just a silly game where we kick and spin all day It’s Foosball! It don’t matter if you win all we do is kick and spin but mostly kick (but mostly spin) Kick and Spin was taped in front of a studio audience of weird faceless mannequins starring Kickolas Cage and John Kraspinski

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MATT'S SONG

(Lady)Bug's Challenge: The Alpaca Can't see over the fence (and also, the alpaca can't jump)

Title: The Alpaca Song

Lyrics:

the alpaca can't see over the fence

the alpaca can't see over the fence

the alpaca can't see but he can hear all of his friends

the alpaca can't see over the fence

he could go over it

ALPACAS CAN'T JUMP

go under it

ALPACAS CAN'T DIG

go through it

ALPACAS AREN'T GHOSTS

go round it

UNFORTUNATELY THE FENCE IS

SURROUNDING THE ALPACA ON ALL SIDES

he could open the gate

THE GATE IS LOCKED

he could unlock the gate

HE DOESN'T HAVE A KEY

he could pick the lock

PICK IT WITH WHAT

a stalk of hay

THAT WAS A RHETORICAL QUESTION,

ALPACAS CAN'T PICK LOCKS THEY DON'T HAVE THUMBS

he could eat the fence

WAIT THAT'S NOT A BAD IDEA

try to eat the fence

HE'S EATING THE FENCE!

oh wow it's working!

OH NO IT'S NOT

why what happened

NOTHING IN PARTICULAR IT'S JUST THAT THERE IS A LOT OF FENCE

he could burn the fence

I said he could burn the fence

YEAH I HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME

WHY DO YOU THINK HE'S LOCKED IN HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE

chorus

he could fake his death

OKAY

scream for help

OKAY

and when his friends come

MHM

they'll see him lying on the floor

ALRIGHT

he'll be covered in blood

WHERE'D HE GET THE BLOOD

the blood is from the farmer

OH MY GOD

and then when the gate is open

BURN THE FARM DOWN

it's working, it's working

they're coming to help him

the blood is convincing

they're opening the gate

they're sensed his trickery

but it's too late

the alpaca is free

the alpaca is freee

he tries to start a fire

but the farmer's not dead!

they're fighting, they're fighting!

he calls to his friends

the ones he betrayed

they won't save him

he only has once chance

he strikes a match

he tosses it

into the hay

the alpaca has gotten his revenge