#51: The Role of Intuition in Relationships, with Kristen Bush

Love Is Us: Exploring Relationships and How We Connect

What role does intuition play in our lives? More specifically, how can it serve us in our relationships? Kristen Bush, MS, CPC, and I get into the nitty gritty about how our intuition can make our lives better. We talk about intuition can help us with our boundaries, Kristen also gives some practical advice about how to access your intuition.

Kristen Bush, MS, CPC, is an interdisciplinary life coach, which is a fancy way to say she holds multiple fancy degrees and certifications that are in support of helping people take scary, bold actions to re-create their lives. She’s REALLY GOOD at it when it involves getting to the core of what's holding us back. ​

Integrating best practices and principles from Positive Intelligence, Energy Coaching, Psychology, Social Work, Mindfulness, Spirituality, African-Centered Practice and other indigenous healing practices, Kristen helps purpose-driven professionals gain insight, breakthrough blocks, and develop the mental muscles that create sustainable momentum and change.

Learn more about Kristen:

Website: https://www.kristenbush.com/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kristendbush/

Learn more about Karin:

Website: https://www.drcalde.com

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/theloveandconnectioncoach/

TRANSCRIPT

Intro:

Karin: This is Love Is Us, Exploring Relationships and How We Connect. I'm your host, Karin Calde. I'll talk with people about how we can strengthen our relationships, explore who we are in those relationships, and experience a greater sense of love and connection with those around us, including ourselves. I have a PhD in clinical Psychology, practiced as a psychologist resident, and after diving into my own healing work, I went back to school and became a coach, helping individuals and couples with their relationships and personal growth. If you want to experience more love in your life and contribute to healing the disconnect so prevalent in our world today, you're in the right place. Welcome to Love Is Us.

Episode:

[00:49] Karin: Hey, everybody. Thanks for being here. Today I'm going to be talking with Kristen Bush, who is a coach, and one of the things she specializes in is helping people connect with their intuition. I don't think intuition really gets its due. It can really be a powerful way for us to engage in our lives, engage in our relationships, connect with ourselves, make good decisions, and so, so much more. I loved hearing Kristen's perspective and her wisdom on this topic and just loved connecting with her. As you'll notice, there's lots of laughter during this episode. It was a lot of fun for me. So we talk about, again, intuition and what that has to do with relationships and what that has to do with boundaries in relationships. And we talk about how people pleasing can really get in the way of intuition. So you'll learn more about that. You'll also get a lot of really practical tips toward the end, Kristen makes some really great suggestions and so I hope you'll stick around for that. I thought they were really fabulous and ones that I think I will use for me and my clients, too. So take a listen. I hope you'll share. And thanks for being here.

Karin: Kristen, welcome. I'm so happy to have you here today. Thank you.

[02:17] Kristen: I'm happy to be here. Excited to be here.

[02:19] Karin: Actually, people don't know that. We've actually been talking for almost 15 minutes now. We're just talking about all kinds of stuff that's been coming up for us in the other realms. So it's been really fun to connect already. But tell people where you are in the world.

[02:37] Kristen: Yeah, I was looking at that question. I was like, well, this is a deep question, but I am in my boyfriend's house, his family home in Houston, Texas, Sugarland, Texas, to be exact, in the United States.

[02:53] Karin: Why did I think you were in New York?

[02:55] Kristen: Because I lived in New York for, like, ten years. Yeah. And my whole calendar is East Coast. Based. And most of the folks that I work with are still in New York. So in some weird way, I'm kind of bicoastal.

[03:08] Karin: Okay, that makes sense. So was it your boyfriend that drew you down to Texas?

[03:14] Kristen: No, I met him when I came to Texas. Funny. I had been single for ten years in New York, and I moved to Houston and within three months I was in a relationship. And you do relationship coaching, so I don't know what that means, but.

[03:32] Karin: I.

[03:33] Kristen: Was just at a place where I was looking for a certain level of rootedness and connectedness and support. I was the only person in my family, close family anyway, that lived in New York. And it's challenging. And at the pandemic time, when you're in a house by yourself, I can't even call it a house in a tiny little box apartment. A tiny house by yourself. I really had to think, is this sustainable or do I want a different level of connection? I felt like I needed to be a part of a community where if I wasn't present, I would be noticed, I would be missed, and I was like an essential unit. It wasn't just like, you're nice to have, but you're needed and essential.

[04:21] Karin: Yeah. It sounds like you were searching for a sense of belonging, perhaps.

[04:25] Kristen: Yeah, deep belonging.

[04:28] Karin: That's great.

[04:29] Kristen: Yeah.

[04:30] Karin: So tell us what you do.

[04:33] Kristen: So I am both a life coach and I have my whole little thing written out here, but I'm a life coach and I'm a diversity equity and inclusion consultant. And so I realized for the first time this year, I'm like, you have two businesses, not one. Yeah. And really, in terms of life coaching, the folks that I work with are really people who are unconventional change agents and need a space to not feel crazy. Need a space where they actually can articulate all of the feelings, the thoughts, the divisioning that other folks have labeled delusional or crazy. Right. And are also looking for the mindset, the energy, you know, energy, coaching, and also the spiritual framework to support that level of calling. I would say so.

[05:33] Karin: I love that term, unconventional change agents. Tell me more about that.

[05:41] Kristen: It's funny because I came up with that this week because I was like, what is the common denominator in every single person I'm working with? I have person who's working in a male dominated industry that is very, let's just say emotions are like, what that doesn't really exist in that industry. And what she's desiring to bring into that industry is unconditional love. Right. Knowing full well that she's going to be laughed out of the room, but knowing full well that that's what's needed. And so she's created spaces where people can have these conversations around. What does it actually look like to center people in an industry that thinks this is laughable or thinks this is, like, superfluous, but yet and still she's doing that work. I have another client who is really meant to do work of public health, but right on one side of the world, and right now is on the completely opposite side of the world, and everyone in his world is telling him that it's virtually impossible to do that. Yet in his spirit, his intuition and gut is telling him to actually create that dream. Right. And he knows it's possible, but is dealing with the sabotage. Right. The sabotaging thoughts, and we're really doing work to shift his mindset around that. Yeah. And then I have other clients who have lost. They've known that they're change agents. They've been doing that work, but then their light has dimmed. Right. Maybe they've been in spaces for so long that have told them they're crazy or they're wrong, or it's just not that they feel kind of lost, like their light has dimmed, and it's really about coming back to themselves. So I have several clients who are in that space and state, and I've recognized that with all of them, they need a space that validates this very unconventional thing that they're trying to bring to the world that says, you're not crazy, you're not delusional, that says everything that you're thinking actually makes sense, because it does. You know what I mean? And there's actually tools that you can use to really support you when you're outside of this space, because it's hard. It's hard to hold a seed. Right, when everything in it is trying to abort it. Everything outside in the world that you're walking around is trying to abort it. It's hard to hold division, and that's really the space that I provide.

[08:15] Karin: I love it.

[08:16] Kristen: I love that.

[08:16] Karin: It really talked about intuition, and it sounds like you're really helping people stay connected with who they really are at their core, and then listen to that intuition.

[08:29] Kristen: Absolutely. And know that that's actually something you should be doing.

[08:35] Karin: Yeah. Because we're taught from a young age not to. Right.

[08:40] Kristen: Oh, my God. I think one of the questions you sent me was like, why is it so hard to trust your intuition? And I was thinking, I was like, I can't think of one institution, including the family system. Right. In which you're taught to prioritize your internal knowing over some external knowing. I can't think of one. I mean, I really want to ask your. Luke, can you even name one? I can't think of one.

[09:15] Karin: Yeah. I think of maybe these really evolved preschools that try to help kids get in touch with their emotions and express them. And those are usually kind of thought of as the fringe thing, but it's like, I want you to. You need to conform to our values and our standards, and that's usually how it's done. Right.

[09:43] Kristen: Yeah. Every single one from health care. Right. So much of it is like, listen to the expert. Right. And even when you know your body. I think about Serena Williams, like, almost died. And if she hadn't have listened to what she knew about her body, she would have. Right. To school. Absolutely freaking lootly. Religious institutions as much as I grew up Lutheran, which I have to say, out of all the christian traditions, I think is one of the most open minded. It's, like, all about having your own relationship with God, which shouldn't be a wild concept, right. And yet it is even still that you're taught about the Holy Spirit, but you're not taught what that looks like in practice. You're not taught what happens if the message you're getting inside of you is different than how this other person, how this authority has interpreted that. You know what I mean? You're not really taught that kind of stuff. So I just think in every single phase of life, we're taught to override that voice and listen to some external voice.

[10:57] Karin: Yeah. And I think about anyone who is part of the marginalized communities, and then they get that tenfold. Right.

[11:06] Kristen: Oh, my God. This is what we were talking about. And the reality is, I honestly think every single person has experienced marginalization because you've had to override your internal. Right. Your internal voice. But you're absolutely right. I'm only now thawing out. There are so many ways that I've had to numb to conform to a standard or an experience that is not the experience I'm having. And only now, like, 39 years in the game this week, starting this week, am I like, oh, my God, this is what's been underneath here. So, yeah. Even more so if you are in any group, that is not the standard. Right. Even more so, yeah.

[12:08] Karin: Okay. I could go down this road, but.

[12:11] Kristen: I want to also make sure we.

[12:12] Karin: Talk about what we're here to talk about today. So maybe you can just offer us a basic definition of what intuition is.

[12:20] Kristen: Yeah. And I was all in my house, like, should I give her the formal definition? But I'm just going to answer from my definition of intuition. I love a pragmatic thing. I'm pragmatic. I'm raised working class. I'm african American. It's like, if you can't break this down so we can do something with it, it ain't really useful. So for me, intuition is. It's your gut. It's your inner knowing. It's the holy spirit. It's that part of your stomach that gets that queasy feeling when you're doing something that you know is not in alignment, that you know you really don't want to be doing. Intuition is the still small voice that people talk about. Intuition sometimes is that loud voice that's like, no, I don't want to go to this event. Stay home.

[13:09] Karin: Sometimes our intuition screams at us, doesn't it?

[13:12] Kristen: Right? I love the things that are like, I'm so tired that I need to meditate and tap into my intuition. I'm like, maybe your intuition is telling you you're tired. Maybe that's actually where you need to start. Right? Yeah, it's all of that. It's your gut. I think gut is the thing that most people, when you say that, they instantly say, I know what that is. So it's your gut. It's that gut feeling.

[13:40] Karin: Yeah. And we've talked about intuition and getting to your true self. How are those two things, intuition and an authenticity, how are those connected?

[14:00] Kristen: From what I've experienced and what I've seen with the clients that I work with, to me, your intuition is your north star for authenticity. I don't know how you get to true authenticity without intuition, to be honest, because your intuition is what tells you when you've met the mark. You know what I mean? The other thing I'll say, I just want to just add this. I feel like authenticity is one of those words that we like it on the surface, but there's a whole lot more to it. I didn't know when I first started talking about authenticity. It sounded really cool being your cool inner self, bringing out your marvel geek, you know what I mean? But more and more, I'm like, oh, crap. You mean it's the secret self. It's the self that I don't show anybody. It's the self that I edit out and filter out. You know what I mean? Oh, that's authenticity and authenticity. Like living an authentic life is having one face every place. It's like really integrating, not compartmentalizing, not having 15 different versions of yourself that you pull out at certain occasions or in certain environments. And again, to me, the North Star, to even discerning what's truly you versus what Martha Beck would call social self or what is the self that pleases everyone is your intuition. I don't know how else you could discern.

[15:39] Karin: Yeah, yeah. And that word authenticity is definitely a buzzword these days, and yet it really does get at something important. It's about who we are at our core. Like we kind of mentioned earlier, is that we're taught from a young age to suppress that, and so we can get really far removed from who we are, who our authentic self is. So much so that a lot of us can't even identify who it is. Who are we at our core? Who is our authentic self at our core.

[16:14] Kristen: Yeah, that's true.

[16:16] Karin: And that takes some work.

[16:19] Kristen: I think it takes work to start identifying who are all the voices in your head and which are yours and which are other voices. Right. That you're just so used to listening to. I think it does take work, and not just work in terms of at the mind level, but in the body. I really think for me, I don't know, for other people, their experience, but for me, body work is also essential, because the body don't lie.

[16:49] Karin: Right?

[16:50] Kristen: Yeah.

[16:53] Karin: The more I learn and grow in this profession and just personally, the more I realize the fundamental truth of that statement, how so much of us lives in our body, we tend to overemphasize the head and the thinking and intellect and the rationalization, but that's just a part of us.

[17:16] Kristen: I wanted to stop my foot and say amen. And for me, again, so much has been coming up for me this week, but I've spent so much time in mindset work. Like, the mindset work. The mindset work. The mindset work. And while there is no replacement for mindset work, the body work is very important, too. You know what I mean? It's not just about mindset work. You got to do some body work, too.

[17:44] Karin: Yeah, so much for me, I end up getting a little bit repelled when I hear about mindset work, and that's not really fair because it is a really important piece of it, but it often tends to disregard the other important pieces of who we are and we are body. And so much of, I think about our nervous system and our emotions and how that is all part of our bodies. And if we don't feel safe in our bodies, then it's really hard to go to our head if we don't feel safe in our bodies, it's hard to express the emotions that are stored in the body. I mean, there's so much richness there.

[18:30] Kristen: I wanted to park, curl up with a blanket, and just sit in that statement. Yeah, that's so much truth. And I feel, at least for me, what's also been helpful is being able to locate my intuition in my body. Right. And locate. I love this. Remember as a kid playing that game, hot, cold, and it's like there's an item that somebody identifies in the room, and you have to try to guess it, and you're just kind of walking around. They're like, hot, hot, cold, cold, cold. Being able to identify that in terms of emotions, being able to identify that in terms of literally having a physiological response to the hot and cold of your intuition, I also think is extremely helpful. Yeah, the body is very important in it, too.

[19:22] Karin: So how does it help people to connect to their intuition?

[19:27] Kristen: For me, your intuition holds the answers to every question you have in life. And I know it sounds like this is crazy. How can you be so sure of that? That's such a big, bold statement. But I've tested this. Let me tell you, when I decided to go into this whole journey of entrepreneurship, it was number one. I said, I want to see if these things are true. I want to see if these spiritual principles are true. I want to see if this crap people are telling me is true. I'm tired of reading about it in books. I want to actually test this for myself. And the reality is, there are some questions in life. In fact, I would argue every question in life. But it's certainly the question of fulfillment that nothing outside of you can tell you how to get there. I've tried it. Yeah, nothing outside of you can tell you how to get there. I think it's why you can be doing all the things. I remember all the moments when I finally had the money that I wanted to make. I finally had the title that I wanted to be in. I finally had my own New York City apartment. I checked all the things, and I still had as much anxiety, know, unhappiness as I had before. And I was like, what now? You know what I mean? I think that's part of why we have that experience is because we're following these external standards that really may or may not have anything to do with what genuinely fulfills us. And I think it's a blessing to get to the place where you've tried it all and it didn't work because then you're willing to try something else, try something that's out of your comfort zone. But to me, intuition is the thing. It's the only guide to your fulfillment, right? Because there's so much nuance. There's so much nuance in this thing. Fill in the blank relationships. Where are my boundaries? What do my boundaries look like? What do they feel like? When are they getting crossed? When are they not intuition? Intuition is going to tell you every time, should I stay in this relationship or should I go, how do I know I'm staying in it for the right reasons? Right? I was literally asking myself. I said, kristen, I was in a relationship that my family and friends, well meaning, they knew my goals, my goals, and this person's long term goals at the time did not align. And they were like, you need to leave this not, it's not aligned. Other people were looking at all the checkboxes and saying, it's not aligned. And yet still my gut was telling me, stay. And I thought to myself, now I've had other experiences where it was a toxic relationship and I wanted to stay. So what's the distinction that I make between intuition and that I make between the toxic stay? Right?

[22:21] Karin: When you shift, when there's something else holding you in.

[22:25] Kristen: Exactly. And you know what? I, when I tapped in and tuned in and felt, okay, well, what did it feel like? What did that stay feel like when it was the right stay? And honestly, now we're heading to those same long term destinations that at the time, we weren't aligned in. But anyway, it was like still water, right? When I thought about and I felt about my relationship, it just was like still water. There was so much peace. It was like, why am I. It felt like I would have been leaving something peaceful because of some kind of mental construct that actually didn't apply in this moment. You know what I mean? Like, yeah, maybe five years down the line, maybe it isn't aligned, but right now it's deeply feeling aligned. But when I thought about the toxic relationship, it was need. It was need that was holding me. It was this feeling of like, oh, God, that anxious feeling. There was kind of like, I have to have this. I need to stay in this. They're almost like the claws, you know what I mean?

[23:30] Karin: Yeah.

[23:31] Kristen: It was not the peaceful, steel eased water. It didn't feel neutral. There was a feeling of almost like desperation. You know what I mean? I need a clinging and a clutching. And again, to me, how you learn to make these distinctions is by learning to know not only intuition in general, but specifically how it shows up for you. You know what I mean?

[24:06] Karin: Yeah. And so you help people kind of tune into when something has felt really good. What does that feel like?

[24:15] Kristen: Right.

[24:18] Karin: How does that show up for you? Yeah.

[24:21] Kristen: I help people tune into where does it show up in their body? Literally locate it on your body. What is it feeling like? I help them describe it and give it language, because I find there's something about giving something language that it helps you to really process it and remember it. I help them to describe how it actually feels like. Does it feel light? Does it feel heavy? Does it feel diffused? Is it centered in an area? Is it in your chest? Is it in your shoulders? Is it in your stomach? You know what I mean? And I help them to start making distinctions between that and other feelings. Right. Like I said, that need and that desperation. Where do you feel that? In your right? Where do you feel that? What does it feel like? Is it heavy? Is it light? Is it loud? Is it quiet? Is it soft? And after you kind of start to gauge that North Star, right after you can start to gauge. I like to even think of it. Marie Kondo's like, what sparks joy? Right? To me, that's what she's talking about. She's not calling it intuition, but when you're looking at the thing and there's something that's sparking in you, that's your intuition saying, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. You know what I mean? And then when you start to look at each object and you're like, that doesn't feel like that. It's using your intuition to clean your life, to sort your house. So basically, I help people figure out, what does that spark joy for them? What does that feel? So that then when they're out and they're about in their life, or when they're making a decision, they can tune in inward and feel like, okay, is it feeling like that hot? Or is it feeling like I'm cold? It's a beautiful way to start the work of intuition, because it's so easy. You did it as a kid all the time. I love an easy tool.

[26:16] Karin: Yeah. And you talked about how that intuition has helped, you know, when a relationship is right or when it's not right. How else can intuition help people in their relationships?

[26:31] Kristen: I said it before, but for me, a big one is boundaries, boundaries, global gloom. I'm going to be really candid with you and your listeners, and I don't know what? PG rating.

[26:51] Karin: Go for it.

[26:52] Kristen: But I remember, I will never play this for my boyfriend, because he would not want to hear this. But I remember having sex with a previous partner, not my boyfriend. And something felt off. And it took me three days. Three days, Karen, before I could actually process, what is this? You know what I mean? And that was the first time that I started to realize, because of my beautiful upbringing, had learned to. When something didn't feel right. My immediate response was to compartmentalize, was to numb out and to deal with that later or never at all, right? So first, it was the first time I had an awareness of, I'm not connected to some part of myself in the moment, right? I'm walking around disconnected from a part of myself that actually has information that I probably want in real time. Because if you're having sex with somebody and something is off, you don't want three days to go by before you can figure out what that is. You want to know what the hell is going on, right? So then I started to just get curious and like I said, to begin some of this body work. But what I've really found, especially for people who have a well trained habit of people pleasing, which to me is, like, overriding your intuition, numbing out and overriding your intuition so that you can serve. Keep happy, please. The other, it's usually learned very early in childhood. I mean, I was doing work this week where I literally got back to the moment that my origin story, the moment that this version of myself was created. But your intuition helps you. Like, getting back in tune with your intuition will help you break out of patterns of people pleasing. It will help you get out of the automatic cycle loop that you're in. And I will say yes again, mindset work is helpful. But to me, body work, when you start to get connected to, what does it feel like to override your intuition, to dishonor your voice? Because there is a feeling that comes up in the body. You can't lie. You can't not see it. And so I remember a moment when I knew everything in my body, knew I did not want to go on, to go out of town. It was for a friend. And I was doing all this sabotaging behavior, procrastinating, not buying the ticket, being flaky, all this crap, which we do instead of just listening to our intuition and saying, okay, you don't want to go. And I remember feeling that dishonest at every step, at every choice, every time. I just kept going, because that's what this person wanted. I had visceral feelings come up in my body and to the point where literally a version of myself was screaming, when do I get a say? It got to that point, and I was like, oh, crap. And in that moment, it was like, okay, stop the presses. Let me finally tune in and listen to this, because my body's telling me something, and that's all about boundaries. Go ahead, say what you're going to say.

[30:34] Karin: There's so much that I want to say about that, but it reminds me that one of the things that I say is that it's not that you have to come up and think about what boundaries you want for yourself. You already have them. It's really just about tuning into yourself and discovering what your boundaries already are and then communicating them.

[31:01] Kristen: I want to do the church stomp again because you know what's so powerful to me about that? I've tried it the other way. Right? I've tried the artificial way where you try to hold a boundary that you think should be your boundary, and then you beat yourself up because you can't really hold it. You know what I mean? Because it's not your real boundary versus when you feel into what is my real boundary like, stop making it up just because this book says that should be your boundary. Maybe it's not your boundary. You know what I mean? What is your real boundary? Start with that, and your body will tell you, your gut, that feeling, it will come up. I mean, I feel nauseous when I'm violating my boundaries. My stomach gets tight when I'm violating my boundaries. All kinds of things come up for me. So it's really about tapping in and tuning in, as you're saying. My intuition not only comes up in terms of a physiological response, but even like I said, there was a part of me that was screaming, when do I get a say?

[32:04] Karin: And the funny thing is that we develop these people pleasing parts to try to stay in these relationships. And yet, when we are overriding our own boundaries, we end up sabotaging those relationships and doing things that actually end up damaging those relationships.

[32:23] Kristen: Absolutely.

[32:24] Karin: But if we can just be honest and learn how to do that and communicate those boundaries, then those Relationships are usually a lot stronger. Especially if they're healthy.

[32:36] Kristen: Absolutely. Oh, my God. And I don't think you can have intimacy if you're not being honest about your boundary. Right. Because you're not really present. And I've also had that experience where I tried the people pleasing way, and the person broke up with me anyway. And I thought to myself. I never actually showed up in the relationship. I was never there. You know what I mean? I was sending some version, some constructed version of myself. But I guess that's the other thing, too, is going back to that space around authenticity. If you're not honoring your boundaries, if you're not connected to your intuition, then you're not really in a relationship.

[33:16] Karin: Yeah. Who are you?

[33:18] Kristen: And guess what? That's what the other person is feeling, thinking on some level. I tell you, every person where I've played that game, at some point I got feedback that they're like, I didn't really know who you were, or you just seem kind of fake, or it just seemed kind of shallow, or you never really had an opinion. At some point, I got that kind of feedback. People feel it and sense it, too, because they have intuition, right?

[33:40] Karin: Their intuition is speaking up. And then you have. We have two people pleasers, right? And you have the one person who's saying, yeah, that's fine. And the other person is like, are you sure it's fine? Yeah, I'm saying it's fine. But the other person knows, and then.

[33:58] Kristen: They can't really trust that.

[34:01] Karin: When you say it's fine, it really.

[34:03] Kristen: Is, and it really is fine.

[34:05] Karin: But when you can speak up for your needs and say, this is the boundary or this is a no, then when you say yes, they can trust it.

[34:14] Kristen: Absolutely. Yeah. For me, in relationships, it's both. Intuition has come up full and fledged both in is this relationship aligned with me? But going back, how can you answer that question with me if you're not connected to you, but also my boundaries in a relationship, and when am I honoring them and when am I dishonouring them? And as a people pleaser, and I'm aware that this is my pattern. I'm constantly checking in with, how does this feel? Because I'm real quick to go along to get along. You know what I mean? That's an autopilot for me. So because I'm aware that that's an autopilot. When I make a decision or I make a choice, or I find, like you've been going along a lot lately, I tap into, how does this feel in my body? Am I feeling those still waters of peace? Or is there some level of troubled waters? Is there some part of myself that I'm muzzling, that I'm suppressing, that I'm denying to go along, get along? And I found that again. Your gut knows. To your point, I think you mentioned this. It's not an analytical exercise. You're not thinking these things. You're checking in with what you're feeling, that intuitive knowing, what is your gut saying?

[35:37] Karin: And that takes slowing down, doesn't it?

[35:40] Kristen: Yeah.

[35:41] Karin: And that can be really hard for people, especially when they've got all of these obligations. Maybe they've got a partner and a high pressure job, and maybe they've got kids and friends and all these things, and they're just go, go. And they don't stop to really check in with their bodies and what their intuition is trying to say. And then they just find themselves on this path and like, how did I get here?

[36:05] Kristen: How did I get here? Yeah, I've been there. Oh, me too.

[36:10] Karin: Yeah. We are not above anyone else, are we? We talk about this from experience.

[36:17] Kristen: I got to the place where I tell people I wasn't just burnt out, I was spiritually dehydrated. I needed life support in terms of how I felt inside, to the point where I remember before I got on the path that I was supposed to be on, which was entrepreneurship. I remember getting offered an interview for a position in Houston that was almost identical to the position I had left in New York. Great money, great title, great school. I was working higher ed at the time, and I am not at all exaggerated when I say, if somebody had offered me a billion dollars to go on that interview, I couldn't have done it to save my life. I could not have done it to save my life. And I'm somebody. I lived in New York City by myself. Like, I'm used to shucking and driving and do whatever I need to do to survive. I couldn't have done it. I remember the moment I was thinking, if they asked me why you wanted this job, I know my lips would say I don't, right? And I wouldn't be able to say anything else, right? So I know what you mean when you say there are people, you've been on the treadmill, you're doing all the things that everything in life is telling you you should do to win. And at some point, you look up and you're like, how the hell did I get here? And what the hell is going on? And why am I feeling this way?

[37:56] Karin: Right? It reminds me of a recent experience that I had. So I'm still working on this, too. So I'm part of a band, and we had someone in the band, and this person just had some emotional challenges, and she wasn't a bad person at all. But I realized over time that, oh, this is an old pattern. I'm reliving the same old pattern where I'm trying to help this person in my life, and I'm overriding my own needs to do everything I can for this other person. And as soon as I clued into my body and what was going on, I can't do this anymore. And it was really hard, but it was absolutely the right thing. I needed to end that relationship. Yeah, I think that's often what does happen is we end up repeating these patterns, like you said, that we learn when we're young. And oftentimes it's a pattern with a caregiver. We repeat this unfinished business with these caregivers, and we keep doing that throughout our lives. And yet it's not usually very effective.

[39:19] Kristen: Right, it's not effective, and it was effective then. You know what I mean? Right. But we now have choice and agency, and we're not there anymore. I love you saying, just connecting it to that early stuff. And I don't know if I should go down that path or we should just move on. Karen, we're going to have to have another. Yes, we are. Just one on one. We'll do it. We'll do it. For sure. Early versions of myself have been showing up, and like I said, I've been connecting to a lot of my patterns, origin stories, which has been so healing and really opened up a lot of compassion, even around my judge, my inner critic, and these parts of myself that come up in sabotage.

[40:15] Karin: Yeah. And that reminds me, too. I think it was, oh, maybe it was on your instagram page where you said something about the eight and 80 year old versions of yourself.

[40:30] Kristen: Tell us about that. Well, I mean, where do you want to start? I will start with this. And you can fill in from the psychological point of view, because I am a student of psychology, social work, as well as these spiritual woo woo things. So, I mean, the first time that I really learned that you could connect with, it's a part of your intuition, right? Which is your elder, wiser self was in a program called positive intelligence. And they speak of intuition as, like, one of the sage gifts, but really, that's what it is. It's intuition. Then I learned about this again in a spiritual program, right? A rite of passage program where we literally were going and working with different, like, each decade of ourselves, like, zero to 1010 to 20, because each decade, there's different things that you're meant to learn. Embody, give, et cetera, et cetera. And so then I started to learn, oh, wow. Not only can I connect to these younger parts of myself, I can connect to future parts of myself as well. And then I learned, doing mindset work, that at the subconscious level of the brain, all of these parts exist, and time doesn't exist. Right. So they're all existing. And for each of these parts, it's as if you're in present time. Right. And so what's so fascinating? I just say that because I love when there's these connective tissues between disciplines, right. And so you really can see that it's not just something that the woo woo people say or something that this positive intelligence guy says or something that these weird mindset, when three different parties say it, that are not connected, there is some gravity and truth to it, right. It's verifiable, if you will, but really, what it is, it's really getting. I don't know. I've done it with clients, and it hasn't been difficult for them at all to do it. So I don't even know that you need to be extremely practiced. Right. I really do believe because all of these versions exist within ourselves, and they all think they're in the present, tapping in and tuning in and having an openness and really just calling them forth, you would be shocked that you are actually able to access parts of very early childhood, parts of yourself that have wisdom, that have guidance in particular around your current needs.

[43:09] Karin: Yes, that sounds very ifs internal family systems like to me, that, yeah, we all have these parts and help us heal or help us progress or give us insight or perspective. Absolutely.

[43:29] Kristen: And I would say, too, before I get into the elder wiser stuff, I'd say what I've learned is that it's really important to connect to these parts, because if we don't, they end up showing up in times, in places where we don't necessarily desire them to be. Right. And also, they end up acting out when we don't listen to them, when we're not meeting this need, when we keep ignoring it or overriding it or numbing it. Right. It ends up coming out in some shape, form, or fashion in some other way. It can come up as health issues. Right. So for any of your folks that are into metaphysical stuff, I learned that my fibroids at a metaphysical level are suppressed joy. Like suppressed joy and passion. Now, I won't even get into that because literally, I'm a verify everything kind of person. I was trained in psychology. I'm like, I don't just take it. It has to show up multiple times, multiple places. And it was true. Right. So it can show up as physical ailments. At this point, everybody knows things like weight gain, a lot of times is related to emotions that we haven't processed in the body. Disease is related to stress and other things that we haven't, traumas that we haven't processed in the body, but it can also show up as inappropriate behavior. You want to know why you're sabotaging certain things? Start checking into some of these. Start tuning in to your younger child self. Right. Different versions of it in particular. What I love about the elder wiser self is that it oftentimes can help us navigate the unknown because it actually has the answers for your next right step. Now, you can't say, elder wiser self, tell me how to win the lotto and things like that, but you can say, elder wiser self. What's my next right step here? What is it that I need to know? What is it that I need to be aware of? What is it that I need to release? You can ask it questions and receive aligned answers, and it's just so powerful. It's one of the things that's made me say the universe really is loving. If there's people in your eyes that believe in God, that God really is loving, like I said, I'm in a place. Let's verify this stuff. Let's not just say it. Somebody said the universe is loving and progressive. How do we know?

[46:04] Karin: Yeah, right. That sounds nice.

[46:09] Kristen: When you know that, well, you've been equipped, every single person has been equipped with a gps that knows your next right step, that has the answers to every question you have in life, that knows exactly what needs you have. What needs were unfulfilled, how to heal them, where to go, how to connect to mentors. Who are your people? Then it's like, whoa, wait a second. This does feel loving. It actually does feel loving. So, yes, every single person has access to their elder wiser self. And I'm telling you, it's not hard once you know how to tune in, once you know what your intuition feels like, once you know what it kind of sounds like, it's not hard to get there. And I have so many clients that have been doing it and didn't know this was a thing. I'm like, we're going to tap into our elder. I've already been talking to my older, evolved self. I didn't know that this was a thing. Yeah, it's a thing.

[47:11] Karin: What's something our listeners can do to connect to their intuition? How can they get more in touch with it?

[47:19] Kristen: Yes, I'm going to give you several things, and I'm going to start with plugging someone else who I think, for me is one of the gurus of intuition, and that's Martha Beck. She has a book, finding your own north star. I have it literally right here. And what I love about this book is not just reading. She gives you. With each chapter there's an exercise, right? And it's something simple. Literally. The first exercise she has, she's asking you questions like, answer whether you feel this is true for you. Often, sometimes, rarely or never. My life feels like a great adventure. So you answer, okay, sometimes I say, then start asking yourself, when was the last time you felt like life was a great adventure? What does a great adventure feel like? Right. And as you're answering these questions, this is my ad to this exercise. Feel what are you feeling in your body. Right? What are you feeling in your body? Outside of her book, even though, like I said, she has thousands of exercises that you can do that are really designed to hone that feeling of what does my intuition feel like when I'm in alignment? And what does my intuition feel like when I'm out of alignment? Right. But outside of that book, what you can start with is think about a time where your gut told you you had a strong gut feeling about something, to do something, and you listened, right. And it actually turned out well for you. And really get specific when you're thinking about that time, describe it in terms of all your sensory memory, and then feel what are you feeling in your body as you think about that, right. And then actually write it down. Some people go so far as to say to name it, and then to think about a time when you had a strong gut feeling about something that you knew this was not something that I wanted to do. And when you listened to it and you were right, right. Or you didn't listen to it, it may be even more powerful. And you felt that feeling of discord when you didn't listen to it. And later on, you learned, see, I should have listened to my gut. You had that feeling. Oprah always talks about that. So many people on her show showed up and said, see, I should have listened to my gut and feel what did that feel like when you didn't listen to your gut? What does it feel like in your body? Do that same sensory memory, right. And really take the time to write it out. Does it have a name? I say that because the more texture you get to it, the easier it will be to recognize it when it shows up. In your day to day. And then I say, play the hot, cold game. Take one day or even one moment, right, and go to things like in your everyday life. When you're at Starbucks, look at a coffee that you know you hate. They have that one that's like, apple something spice. I'm like, apple and coffee does not work. You know what? Listen for play the hot cold game. Am I feeling closer to that feeling of when I knew I was in alignment, or am I feeling closer to the feeling where I wasn't? And start off with things where, you know, like, you have a strong feeling around it. Don't start off with something that's neutral. Start with where you know you have a strong feeling. My boyfriend likes this weird anime. I know. I don't like that stuff. Start with stuff where you have a strong visceral reaction one way or the other to just start getting acquainted with. What does my intuition feel like in my body? You could even do that with your own history. We all got bad dating stories.

[51:13] Karin: Absolutely.

[51:14] Kristen: Go down memory lane and play the hot cold game. Like, was it hot when you think about this? It wasn't cold. So that's, to me, start with easy things like that. Right? Because again, I think it's fun. I think it's easy. I think it's basic. If you want more complicated things, I say, and they're not complicated, check out her book. One of my favorite exercises that she has. She basically has you write a story, and one of them is, like, all the best case scenario, your best day with your best people, with the best things that you want to do that just tickle your toes and the best food. And then she has you write, like, the worst day with the three people that bring out your worst mood. You know what I mean? Doing the mundane activities that just bring out your worst mood. And she has you feel into both of those experiences. And I'm telling you, after that, there's no question you will know, what does it feel like when I'm in alignment and what does it feel like when I'm out of alignment?

[52:15] Karin: Great stuff. Great stuff. Thank you. So what's one thing you'd really like people to walk away with after listening to this conversation?

[52:25] Kristen: The thing I'd like people to walk away with is that intuition is as essential as IQ and as EQ. I think it's spiritual IQ. I think we just haven't developed the cue for it. It's as essential, if not more so. I think so many people have it and have connected with it. They just didn't know that this is something they were supposed to be listening to and following. They just thought, okay, every now and again, I get that feeling. They didn't know. You can really be tapped in and tuned into this thing all the time, and they don't know that it holds every answer to every question that you need to have, that you have. So that's the biggest thing is, I would say is, you're not crazy, you're not weird. It's not just some thing that comes and goes, but it's as important as your intellectual intelligence. It's as important as your emotional intelligence. It's a spiritual intelligence that you've been gifted with, and it really is your key to life.

[53:28] Karin: So, what role does love play in the work that you do?

[53:36] Kristen: Ah. I mean, how deep do you want to get? In my rite of passage program, we had to pull a principle, right? And we didn't know what it was. You pull a number. My principle is love, right? So I think love is, for me, it's a harmonizing, unifying force, and it really is the lens in which I do everything that I do. When I do dei work, first and foremost, I am looking for the soul of people that I am already aligned with, and I am calling people back into alignment with their highest self. Right. When I do coaching work, I'm looking for the soul of people, and I'm calling people back into alignment with their truest, divinest, biggest, boldest self. So that is love to me. It's harmonizing, it's unifying, it's aligning, and it's seeing people in their God self. So it's the center, it's the heart of the work that do.

[54:36] Karin: Wonderful. And how can people learn more about you?

[54:40] Kristen: The easiest way is probably Instagram. It's Kristen D. As in donut Bush. That's my handle. And yeah, definitely, you can see my different videos each Wednesday. I have a wind down Wednesday where I do a talk about different things that are coming up for either my clients, for myself, that are related to things like intuitions, principles, authenticity. I literally did one on authenticity yesterday. So I think that's a great way to kind of get acquainted with who I am and what I do. And you can always book a one on one if you're one of those people that, you know, you're a change maker and, you know, like, you do have an extremely unconventional idea, an unconventional way of working, and you need a space to birth that before it gets aborted by all the naysayers in the world. Then reach out and contact me. Even better if spirituality and woo woo ness is a part of your cultural.

[55:41] Karin: Ethos and that would be a good, wonderful, wonderful. Well, Kristen, it's been just a joy. I have loved spending this time with you and getting to know you, so thank you so much for being here and sharing all your wisdom.

Outro:

[55:57] Karin: Thanks for joining us today on Love is us. If you liked the show, I would so appreciate it if you left me a review. If you have questions and would like to follow me on social media, you can find me on Instagram where I'm the love and connection coach. Special thanks to Tim Gorman for my music, Ali Shaw for my artwork, and Ross Burdick for tech and editing assistance. Again, I'm so glad you joined us today because the best way to bring more love into your life and into the world is to be loved. The best way to be love is to love yourself and those around you. Let's learn and be inspired together.